The greatest temptation to me was when I wanted to leave everything behind and run away. I was so fed up with none other than myself. Yes. Me. I was the problem and I couldn’t solve me. I thought for days and nights about how to help myself out of my misery but the answer never came. Perhaps if I sought help from others it would have been easier but no. I didn’t want to worry the people I hold dear. So, it continued and my sorrows started to grow bigger until I just couldn’t hold it inside of me. I could see it flow out of me. All the dark matters, negativity, hatred – coming out of me in only one form which was anger. Days came where I was trying so hard to hold back the frown forming in my forehead. I was afraid to show it to people. I was afraid to show my rough days in case they would turn away from me as I would’ve become too much hassle. The smile I had became more of an accessory than the sincere symbol of contentment. That’s when I was tempted to go far. As far as I could go from this world. Disappear.
But I didn’t. I chose to stay instead, maybe not for myself but for the loved ones that I was afraid to hurt and lose. I still have days when my heart feels so heavy that it makes me want to rip it out. I still have days when I don’t want to get out of my room at all. I still have all those things left inside of me but I have learnt to live with it. Some days they try to drive me away but I stay. They tempt me – those thoughts but I stay. And I’m glad that I stayed.
Tempted – one word which reminds me of times when I almost did something … almost but never actually. And I’m glad I never did.